"No one can make you feel inferior without
your consent" - Eleanor Roosevelt.
If you are the victim of bullying the chances
are that you think the opening quote is harsh
and unfair and not applicable to you. But I'd
like you to think about it a little more...and
realise how liberating it is in reality. It
means that you can CHOOSE how to react to the
actions of a bully. Let me give you an example
from one of my clients. She came to me
complaining that a colleague often sneered at
her and belittled her, calling her stupid and
making sarcastic remarks at her expense. This
was causing her a lot of grief. So one
question I asked her was did he treat everyone
this way or just her? She paused and admitted
that she was in a minority. She noted that
there were some people in her workplace that
he treated respectfully and it was nothing to
do with their position. So we explored what
she thought they did differently and she
recognised that these people had an invisible
shield around them that seemed to prevent
bullies even attempting to belittle them. At
this stage she was really fed up of this
colleague's behaviour, so she was willing to
try anything. We devised a strategy whereby
she would enlist some psychological support
from her friends beforehand, then she asked to
speak to the bully in private. Let's call him
John. She asked him calmly and clearly to stop
making insulting and belittling remarks to
her. He blustered and denied the accusation at
first, using the bully staple of accusing her
of having "no sense of humour". She asked him
again and eventually he apologised. She had
then agreed to call a friend afterwards to
debrief and exult in her newfound strength!
Things were going fine but then he made a
comment and she asked him again in a clear
neutral way to stop saying those things to
her. And that was it. He stopped completely.
In fact a couple of months afterwards I asked
how he was and she told me that they had
actually become quite good friends.
Set and guard your boundaries
What had my client done? She had set her
boundaries and stuck to them. Boundaries are
what we use to tell people what we will and
will not accept. We teach people how to treat
us. Quite often, bullies are unaware of the
devastation their comments and actions are
causing and when pointed out to them in a
calm, strong unemotional way can be quite
apologetic for their actions. Of course, you
can argue that you can't do that with your
boss. But do you want to do something about it
(and perhaps save many other people from
misery?) or do you want to do (as I heard one
man on the radio did) stay in a job where you
are disrespected and bullied for 8 years? And
of course (and this is where you need to be
honest with yourself...) there are some people
who just enjoy being victims and all the
attention that they can get... Is that you?
Handling the situation
If you are being bullied at work, 1. Clearly
define what behaviour you want the person to
stop e.g. "Please do not shout at me when
asking me to do something". If you feel that
you could get too emotional, rehearse it with
a friend, and find a way to release the
emotion. Be prepared for the person to blame
you and deny the effect of the behaviour. Stay
strong though! 2. If the person repeats the
behaviour, ask them again to stop. Of course,
if you can't do that at the time, return to
the person again and ask them to stop. 3.
Develop allies to give you support...whether
inside or outside the company. But don't get
stuck in complaining mode. Too many people
spend years complaining about their situation
instead of actually doing anything about it.
4. Keep a written record of all the incidents
in which you are bullied. This will be vital
if you ever decide to pursue the legal route.
5. Make sure your supervisor is told about the
situation in writing. 6. Work on your
boundaries. Practise saying ‘no’ to situations
and people that don't serve you. You could
begin with low-risk situations to begin
developing your boundary muscles.
Remember, the bullies behaviour is about THEM,
not you....
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